“The most important career choice you’ll make is who you marry.”
-Sheryl Sandberg, author of Lean In and COO of Facebook
I had grand aspirations to write countless posts about our big fat feminist wedding. I was going to regale readers with tips and tricks on how to navigate the patriarchal state-sanctioned institution of marriage, and in all fairness, I did write a few posts. I talked about picking eco-friendly invitations and getting married before same-sex marriage was legal in Utah (which didn’t end up being the case!), but I didn’t stick to the plan as much as I hoped. As it turns out, planning a wedding is kind of an ordeal.
Blogging be damned, I got married on July 11th. I walked down the aisle in a blue dress with my best friend as the White Stripes crooned “We’re Going To Be Friends.” We ate Thai food and cupcakes, and drank alllll the sangria. I didn’t throw a bouquet, we didn’t do a first dance, and at the time of writing I still have my last name, but none of the feminist choices we made would’ve meant a damn thing if I didn’t marry a feminist.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s so important to critique and interrogate misogynistic and capitalist traditions, but Sheryl Sandberg was right when she said, “The most important career choice you’ll make is who you marry.” Choosing a feminist partner is the most important decision you can make. It’s one of the most important choices you’ll make for your emotional and physical health and for your career. Choosing the correct partner is everything.
(For the record: choosing a partner, or multiple partners, doesn’t require marriage, because sometimes foregoing it altogether is the best thing you can do for your feminist ideology.)
So here’s the thing, plan the hell out of your feminist union. Don’t wear white, be kind to our environment, and make sure you exercise conscious capitalism throughout. But at the end of the day it doesn’t matter if your wedding vows omit the words “honor and obey” if one person in the relationship exercises privilege and power over the other. You can’t have a feminist wedding without a feminist partner. End of story. So before you plan a wedding make sure you’ve found the right partner, because it really is one of the most important choices you can make. After that the rest just kind of falls into place.