Serve Me Like I Have A Penis


I went to brunch at my aunt’s house this weekend, and as usual, I was starving. I’m the kind of person who rolls out of bed and immediately wants to eat a four-course meal. It could have something to do with the fact that I workout in the evening, but I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t always been that way. Give me food the instant I wake up, or things could get ugly before the clock strikes nine.

We show up to my aunt’s place, and I’m impatiently waiting for food (giving a place setting some serious side-eye as though it can help its emptiness). She asks who wants to eat, and I immediately jump up. I’m standing behind my father and fiance, and she says, “The big pieces are for the men, and the little pieces are for the women.” At this point, hangry Pandora is out of the box, and I respond the only way I know how,

“Well then serve me like I have a penis!”

I hear my dad chuckle in the other room, because he loves my penchant for using words like “uterus” and “penis” in public spaces. He also knows that I like to eat, and I’m sure he fears for my aunt’s life at this point.

I took my piece of quiche and sat down to eat. I didn’t say much, but I wanted to.

I wanted to sit my aunt down and talk to her about how society teaches women to take up less space.

How women are taught to diet as a means of social control.

I wanted to tell her that we are force-fed messages about how we’re no good so we buy shit we don’t need.

stephen colbert

I wanted to tell her all of that, but I didn’t. I just bitterly grabbed an extra piece of toast because she handed me a little piece of quiche.

Here’s my pro tip: There is no such thing as a “men’s portion” or a “women’s portion.” It’s asinine to think that all women want and need to eat the same amount of food. It’s ridiculous to think that all men need and want the same amount of food (apparently non-binary folks just don’t get to eat?).

I want Chelsea-sized portions in public (thanks, Rumbi Grill), and I want them in private, Aunt Julie. I want to eat food without commentary from friends, family, and strangers. I prefer a portion relative to my hunger, but if we have to choose sides, for now, I’d prefer to be served like I have a penis.

How often do people comment on the food you eat in a gendered way?


  1. Oh I wish you would have unloaded on auntie!! Why do people constantly give their opinions on what/how much/how often others eat? I get it ALL the time at work and usually with a comment about my weight too.

    • Chelsea Kilpack says:

      I just recently had to unleash a bit on someone at work. It’s odd, because sometimes I feel like I am justifying my own eating habits in the process, and I ended up going on further about how I have no reason to explain why I eat what I eat for ten minutes! #thestruggle

Share Your Thoughts